how to resolve tension with your co-founder 🫣

Today’s topic isn’t as sexy as doubling sales or launching a new product. But it’s just as important (if not more) for the long-term success of your startup.

Today we’re gonna talk about what to do when things aren’t going well with your co-founder.

You can use this framework with anyone you work closely with: your co-founder, leadership team, investors… even your spouse.

Hustle Fund co-founders Eric, Elizabeth, and Shiyan. They’ve been friends for 20+ years.

🐘 Address the elephant in the room

Look. Having tension with your co-founder is NORMAL.

No relationship is perfect. Happy couples fight too, and that includes happy co-founders. What’s important beyond the conflict itself is how you both show up to resolve the situation.

Acknowledge the elephant in the room. If you’re feeling tension, chances are your co-founder feels it too. Bring it up in a gentle, non-confrontational way.

“Hey, I’ve noticed we haven’t been on the same page lately. I think it might be helpful for us to talk about it.”

“Sam, I have some tough, possibly awkward, feedback to share with you. Would it be ok if I spoke honestly to you for a moment?”

If emotions are running high, wait a day or two until you both are calmer and more open. Choose a space that puts you both in a more relaxed and caring move, which usually means stepping outside the office.

A walk in the park or a hike in nature is a great option – being outside has been shown to reduce stress, and have a discussion while you’re moving your bodies tends to make it easier to get vulnerable.

Have the conversation

Before you dive into the issues, start with a human check-in.

1. How are you truly feeling in this present moment?
2. What’s going on in your life outside of work?
3. What have you been thinking about lately?

This sets a tone of empathy and gives both parties more context on your situations as a whole.

When it’s time to get serious, discuss your most important issue first. And use “I” statements instead of “You” statements.

“You always make our meetings run over time” is more aggressive/accusatory than “I feel frustrated when our meetings run over time.”

Once you’ve expressed your feelings, give your co-founder the space to share theirs. Don’t interrupt, argue, or even defend yourself while they’re talking.

Just listen.

Seriously. Stop talking. Stop crafting your response in your head. Just listen.

And when they’ve said what they need to say, don’t immediately respond. Take 5 or 10 seconds to absorb what they said. Then tell them, “I hear what you’re saying. Thank you for sharing that with me.”

It’s hard to open up to someone. It’s hard to be vulnerable. Giving them a safe space to do so will increase the chances that they’ll listen with an open mind when it’s your turn to speak.

Identify the underlying issue

The issue on the surface is rarely the actual problem.

If you’re fighting about what product features to build, maybe the real issue is that you feel like your co-founder is ignoring your ideas and doing whatever they want.

In all conflicts, there are needs that aren’t met. It’s the job of both parties to find those unmet needs and communicate them to each other.

Work together on a solution

At this point, you’ve both:

1. identified what is wrong, and
2. discussed the problem

Now it’s time to find a solution.

Work together to find a path forward that you both can get on board for. This is key.

You need to be on the same page, even if one person still disagrees. Meaning if I don’t think we should launch a specific product, but the team won the majority vote, I need to respect the decision and see it through without any resentment.

If your conversations aren’t going anywhere, find outside help in a mediator or coach to help you find alignment again.